Can I just tell you…I’m done. Like stick a fork in me and turn me over done. Chris has been out of town for the past three weeks, but almost home as I speak/write and Luke has been battling pneumonia for the past week. I haven’t slept a decent night one way or the other. And I’d be more than toast were it not for my big girls who are so capable to pick up my slack; I wasn’t at their age.
I sure hope I don’t cause any scandal, but I need an easy read of Philippians today. I’m reading Chapter one in the Message Bible. Sometimes it has the straight out, if not sometimes base talk I can handle in this state of mind. I’m not at a place of “Thee or Thou” right now. I’m not even at a “And then Jesus said…” Nope, I’m hanging on to, “And He was like…” I need Jesus. But more importantly right now, I need a friend in Jesus so I figure He’s ok with a pretty relaxed conversation between the Word and I.
Please Lord, have mercy on me as I struggle with learning to love appropriately, to use my head and test my feelings. It has been easy, too easy, to slip into a slothful state with Chris away. Quick meals with no real family connection…Lord have mercy on me. It has been too easy to slip into a sleep deprived grumpiness that only a visitor can pry me out of because I wouldn’t want them to think bad of me…Lord have mercy on me. It would have been easy to consider and wonder at a gossip/slander or calumny shared because it would divert my mind off my menial problems and struggles…Lord have mercy on me (and thank God for a wise spiritual father).
I don’t know that I have loved much or well and I can’t really see any flourishing going on, unless it’s my children stepping in to help a poor momma out, but I committed to this journey to joy and that has kept me accountable in these circumstances. It has kept St Paul’s Letter of Joy in the forefront of mind knowing I made a commitment to this little place on the web and you all. And for that I am grateful. God surely knows what He intends.
There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There’s also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting.
And I’m not even kidding myself thinking I’ve suffered for Christ. I’ve just rattled off a list of small, first world “sufferings for Christ” and not only have I not suffered well…that list is pretty dang small and wimpy.
But I have considered my trust in God more and more.
My favorite Bible Journaling Resources